What If...

I never go and post my personal on here, simply because its personal.  But recently I've been faced with life questioning events and it got me to think about something I think we all could question in our lives.

I was married once before, when I was really young and afraid.  Not aware that we all have the ability and power to make the change in our own life.  It took every ounce of grace and guts for me to be able to move myself (and my infant), but once I stood up I started running, with no intention of ever looking back.  However, because of state laws, courts and DNA I am being forced to crank my neck to look backwards every day.  In less then a week we're facing trail where I will have to defend to keep me and my child safe and to be allowed to continue our lives as free as possible.  I have been every possible emotion in the book, from raging pissed off to simply put lost all hope depressed.  But last night after getting off work, I thought of something, and it's the something I want to share with all of you.

What if...
            ...what if, just maybe, the life I've been slaving over to build has been built?  Finished.

What if, just maybe this life I've been desperate to build was exactly what I needed to heal and mend.  A cocoon, a shelter in my own shit storm of a life, a safe place.  That though I may not be done healing, there's no real reason for me to stay in the ER?

How many times are we so frantic and obsessed with having the A-type life that we see dancing in our head like ballerina’s that we never see the full stage? 
We never hear the violin, or see those back behind the curtain.  And I couldn’t help but wonder last night, if within the one package of life if there possibly could be different littler packages meant to be unwrapped?

I wanted so badly to prove to my abuser that I was worth something damn it, that I could stand on my own two feet.  That I was a good mother, a good person, and more then juvenile blindness and a victim.  But what if it was more then that? 

More about proving to myself, more about protecting myself in a cocoon to hide away from the shit storm that had become my life at so young.  But now after I’ve meticulously built the life I was so frantic for that I see it was only a cocoon. 

Nothing more.  And it’s weathered and faded and frail and cannot hold me anymore. 

So what if I took everything I’ve learned, gained and even lost and instead of being angry and holding onto the past or fearful of the ledge my soul tells me to jump off of blindly and began the blue prints of the next package to be unwrapped?