I Survived. I'm a Woman. It's not changing.

For the most part, when anyone asks me about my daughter's custody case, I put on a smile and I tell them we're trooping through, that my daughter is a firecracker...because we are and she it. But no one knows the heartache, the monster's that still cloud my mind, the fear that I feel.

I'm told to keep my head up and to stay strong for my daughter.  Well I am, I'm giving up my life for my daughter and the courts requests.  I'm only a puppet of the court, and even though I was abused, hurt, broken, I'm supposed to suppress it all so my daughter doesn't fear the man who raped her mother and wanted her to be aborted.  I constantly feel like I'm lying + deceiving my daughter.

For the most part, when anyone asks me about my ambitions in the creative world, I smile and tell them I'm thinking about teaching...because that's stable right?  That's not bread winner, that's a good "mom job".  But in reality I have every ambition to travel the world.  I have every desire to learn so many languages.  To smash paint against a canvas when I'm pissed, and to finally sit down and write my memoir on being a young survivor of domestic abuse + mother.  I have every goal to still open my youth gallery + studio; Trailhead.  Every goal to support my husband in every job he aspires to and to be cheering my daughter at every dance competition and to snuggle the stuffings out of my son while he's little enough to.  I'm so exhausted of having to have to conversation of what it means to be a woman + mother + maker + working.  I never have caged my heart behind a white picket fence, so stop asking me to contemplate it.

I recently listened to Cheryl Strayed Dear Sugar new Podcast and I was in love.  While I sanded wood down for some frames, I listened intently, and it was something I think every single man + woman who works should give a listen to...even if their not in a relationship right now.

The bottom line is; I'm a surviver, I'm a strong mother fucker, one bad ass mother, a maker, photographer, adventure + thrill seeker.  I may be married, but I carry my own.  I love who I am. Even though I hurt every day because of past I didn't chose nor had a choice in.  It's made me the fighter who won't take shit from anyone that I am every single day I wake up.  From the moment I take that first sip of coffee to the moment my head hits the pillow...and even through nightmares...I'm fighting against the abusers and for those affected by them.

I found this post to be necessary with how many comments I've gotten on how great I'm doing considering.  Well the point is, you don't know, and you won't until it happens to you, and I pray it doesn't.