Life is hard.
Being honest about one's imperfect life is harder.
Honesty in general is something we learn that is valuable and vital as a child, yet, when we're taught the importance of honesty, no one shows compassion or understanding on the difficulty of honesty. Its just something we're supposed to do.
Well, for me, honesty, even being honest with myself, is something I've had to work on my whole life.
This isn't because I'm a liar, and I want to avoid getting in trouble for breaking my mom's flower vase, or my daughter whipping open the car door too fast and dinging the car parked next to us. It is because I simply do not want to be thought of as a failure.
Mothers, women, people in general are put on such high pedestals, when we don't reach the expectations we feel, it's hard to admit it. It feels like defeat. It feels like failure. "I shouldn't have broken that vase, I should have been a better daughter and listen to my mom when she said no baseball in the house" "I should have raised my daughter better to know not to whip open her door when we're parked in a tight parking garage"
... i've failed.
Backup forty one weeks ago I graduated from college, and I made this list of 27 things to keep me from falling into to society realm all in hopes of continuing finding myself, all while being a better mother, wife and daughter.
I've checked off 13 of those 27 things.
14 things remain.
And in the theme of honesty, I don't believe I'll be getting all of those things checked off.
Then last week, I was sick with a triple consecutive combo of food poisoning, sinus infection then cold. I spent the majority of the week working from home. I spent a lot of time, in the hot steamy shower to relive some of the miserableness and in turn spent a lot of time thinking.
I knew only a few things to be more true then anything else:
- when I returned from Germany last year, I had never felt more like myself in my own skin then I had in a long time. Germany was home. Like home home. There was no denying that.
- when I picked up a camera, or a pen, everything else in the world melted away.
- being a young mom is hard as hell, but that the only things I wanted my children to learn was to love + live. Nothing more.
- I will always be in debt.
- My family needs to be under the same roof again. The hubs and I working in separate states is crumbling our relationship.
- I cannot sit still. I cannot keep my opinions to myself.
- I hate heels with an undying passion.
I couldn't write last week.
I didn't even try.
I didn't even open up Squarespace. I didn't even feel that guilty about it. Because writing week forty would be admitting defeat. It would be admitting I wasn't traveling to Iceland or had even attempted Polish. It would be admitting that my relationship with my husband was crumbling because of us living in other states. It would be admitting that I was working harder then ever before, but not achieving what I wanted to achieve. But worst of all it would be admitting that I've never felt more unlike myself then I do at this exact moment.
This list of 27 things was to help me accomplish things I'd desired for so long and never had the time because of school. And instead it became a mockery of how far away from myself I had gone. It became the green light across the water in the Great Gatsby. It made me bitter.
So here I am, forcing myself to write week forty-one.
Forcing the honesty out of me.
As I stated at the beginning, being honest with oneself is not an easy task. Its something thats expected, and its something thats reviving and good. Nevertheless, does it make being honest any easier.
The funny thing is this:
In three months my term with this list will come to an end.
In three months I will be trying to move to be with my husband again.
In three months I will be having to buy my plane tickets for Europe to visit family again.
I have three months. Three.
12-weeks to change everything around.
In these last forty-one weeks I've only asked you guys' for opinions, for likes and shares. Asking for help, for love, for words of compassion, is something that makes me uneasy. But here I go:
* I am booking photoshoots from October 2017 - 2018
- While in Germany + Norway I'll be looking to book shoots there as well, so if you know of anyone, let me know. You can contact me at:
• I have posted prints for sale in my shop, along with illustrations, and the option to order commission pieces.
• And finally I've put up a GoFund me page that I will not share
on Facebook as I hate asking for money or help. But its there
for those who don't wish to book photoshoots or buy
Me in all honesty.
If you've made it this far with me, all I can say is thank you. Thank you for the love, or at least thank you for hearing me out. Next week I'll give you an update at my attempt on hooking up the DVD player so I can practice my German, and we'll laugh together about how much I despise all this super cold weather. But until then, remember, even if you can't be honest with anyone else, be honest with yourself. You owe it to yourself.