on a daily bases i swear i'm failing my kids.
i swear i'm failing myself.
and maybe i am...but who's to honestly say?
happy mother's day first off to all the moms (and like mom's) out there. today is there to celebrate you and everything you do...including all the things no one see's...the behind the scenes.
i hope you were able to find a moment today between chasing toddlers, washing breakfast plates and for the ten-millionth time begging you're 10-year old to pick up their jacket which they've left plopped on the floor like a piece of trash or road kill for you to fall over.
every day i end the day passed out in a pool of my own drool with the clock beaming 2-am and the cat laying on top of me.
on top of being a mom to a hurricane katrina of a 4-year old and a beaming sassy 7-year old, i work as a full-time creative coordinator for a marketing firm, teach a weekly after school art class at a local gallery annnnd try to keep my own art and passion's alive.
sleep is a dirrrrty day dream of mine that one of these day's i'll act upon.
back in january, my husband got offered his dream job in portland, oregon. he had only 2-weeks from the time he accepted the job to be all moved over there and ready to work. which left me playing the role of "single mom" for these past 5-months and only by grace have i made it to today.
there have been nights my prayer went something like this "dear God...please OH please give me the strength to not duct tape my children" or "dear God...please PLEASE give me patience to not yell at my kids and tell them how stupid their argument over who's going to close the front door really is".
there have been nights where all i fed my kids for dinner was a whole watermelon or cup after cup of root beer floats.
there have been nights my kids didn't go to bed - ON A SCHOOL NIGHT - till after 10:30 because i was so tired of them not doing their chores i made them stay up and actually do them.
my son's ability to listen to any set of instructions or requests is at zero right now and my daughter's ability to refrain from rolling her eye's at me when i ask her to wear something more weather appropriate is at about zero right now as well.
but something that i realized the other day when i was once again mom-shaming myself was, the probability of these current mother frustrations lasting forever are at about zero as well. both of my kids are quickly growing, becoming who they are meant to be. and i may in fact short circuit by the time they both are 18, but, never the less we will get there. i may arrive to their high school graduation with a popped out forehead nerve, a twitching eye and medusa hair...but we will get there.
not having my husband around has in fact made me rely on myself and my own strengths and judgements. it's also made me a better prayer. and not just praying that i don't kill my kids or find their face on a milk carton. but praying about everything. i pray for a parking spot, for the right words, for clarity.
5-months without my husband consistently there has challenged me as a mother, a worker, a creative. its pushed me to the edge and then a bit more.
this weekend, i finally got to get out of the house and go hiking and on a family bike ride with my kids. they picked me wild flowers and "helped" me find my phone when i managed to loose it on the trail at one point. there's been hugs and snuggles. and even though this weekend, i felt oily and frizzy-haired and less then up to par, i was in bliss to be reminded that this thing called motherhood was never meant to be easy. it isn't for the faint of heart, nor is there anything, any job quite like it. it is messy and joyful. sometimes all you can do is laugh. and sometimes all you can do is cry. and that's just the way it is.
so no matter how you spent today, i hope you can remember that what you are doing ma'ma's is being brave. you are being so brave and fearless (even though being a mom you're always afraid of something). because being afraid and doing it anyways is what makes you fearless. it's what makes you brave. and those little eyes and hands and toes love you with everything they've got.