post-election depression.

Yesterday I though I would be writing you about shattering that glass ceiling.  Yesterday, I had it all planned out, the Instagram post, the outfit with white and purple, the playlist I'd been making to share with all of you...and instead...well...you know.

I felt numb.  I walked around my house, as if I was hungover.  I kept bursting out into tears and then bawled like I was watching The Notebook when Hilary gave her concession speech.  I felt angry when people on social media told me to stop morning and to get over it, that no one had died.  The fact was, though a physical human hadn't died, something else had.  
My comfort, safety and rights as a woman endangered. 

Dropping my daughter off at school, walking around the University's campus, there was a somber eerie feeling that hung heavy.  A girl in the hallway cried as she watched Hilary's speech, she didn't bother with headphones, she just stood their crying...and I cried in solidarity with her as I continued on my way to class.  I was set uneasy as I watched two "bro's" high-five saying "happy grab a pussy day man!"  I felt enraged when I heard of friends from the LGBT+ community tell me how they had already been harassed and even assaulted.

I know and love people who voted both ways, who didn't vote and who voted for third-party.  But the saddening truth about the past 48-hours is that these two candidates were in fact...us.  Our nation reflected by both Clinton and Trump.

I am a daughter of an immigrant and a Native American. I am a military wife.  I am a woman with a daughter.  A female who has gone through horrible domestic abuse. A creative who makes art, designs, writes and shoots film for a living.  I am white, but I am not of the wealthy.  A friend of mine put it best..."those who are celebrating instead of feeling afraid are those who are of privilege."
 
You see, I am an open Christian.  As I cried Tuesday night watching CBS, I prayed.  And I know the fact that I'm a huge feminist, was cheering for Hilary and being a Christian doesn't line up for a lot of those in the church.  But in my heart, it is the right thing.  Because, I have never seen a politician I agreed with 100%...and that's okay with me.  But, I have also never seen a politician who scared me more than Trump.  When he talked, I was terribly afraid for my daughter, for being a woman, for friends who are in the LGBT+ community, those of color, those with disabilities that both my mother and mother-in-law work with daily.  I became afraid for our countries affiliations with other countries and even afraid for the church.

I believe all we can do is love one another, like FULLY love one another.  No matter our differences.  So when I had to tell my daughter that her Wonder Woman had lost to the bully on TV, I made a point to tell her with conviction and grace.  My daughter, our daughters, are watching us.  Their watching us on how to lose, on how to keep moving forward, on how to be strong in a man's world.

I have been in a fog of depression, and it is rightfully so.  However, soon, this will have to end.  We will have to get back up and fight again.  No matter our differences.  Because this is what makes us Americans, this is what makes the United States great. Not it's politicians or leaders or our wealth.  What makes us great is us...the people. 

The refugee, the LGBT, the racist, the liberal, the hypocrite, the woman, the child, those of color, or different belief, those with disabilities and those who are not wealthy...all of us...together...respecting one another, sharing kindness and love.

This is what I believe.  This is what I find to be true.  And since it's never too early for christmas music, I'm going to end on this songs note.  It came up on the iPod this morning, and I cried...again...because this was meant to be.

With Grace + Guts,

-H