today, i woke up one year older, with a cat named waffles glued to my side and tears on my pillow.
i am an only child, meaning, i have perfected being able to function on my own. i don't mind sleeping by myself, and even going to the movies by myself isn't the end of the world. when i was younger i played outdoors vigorous games full of imagination: cave men, jungle jane, farmer, little mermaid on the swing set slide as the hose poured water down it's two-foot decent.
now as an adult, whose husband is gone most of the time between being a forester and an army man, i play vigorous rounds of ring-a-round-the-rosy as i get one child to swimming, another to dance, both to school, sneak in dinner, make it to work on time, and sometime's i'm badass enough i'll get a shower, shave my legs (well to the knee but, hey, husband's gone so what's it matter?) and possibly i'll remember deodorant.
but sometimes, being alone, isn't all the glory that some people have made it out to be. sometimes, you wake up on your birthday and realize no one is going to take your picture so you can remember in 10-years turning 1-year older. no one is going to make you cake, or let you take a nap. being a mom means, i'll still cook all of the meals, wash and fold the laundry and will prep the meals for my kids activities this week. and because of this, its really easy to fall into the "poor me" rut. i know this, because i was there all day yesterday, and even the majority of the morning.
but pitty just doesn't get you much further then smothered in a heap of pillows, soaked in tears and snot, and a bed head. this past year has been a really tough one. it has. and ever so often, i give into the pitty and i wallow for a moment. but there was also moment's this past year that brought me that much closer to knowing who i am as a human, what i am supposed to do with my time here on earth, what makes me happy, what goals are more pertinent then the rest. i had to go through all that personal "hell" to get me one step, one year closer to knowing all of these things. and i still have no full-life plan. i still haven't bought a house, and i have no idea half the time what the heck i'm doing. and maybe, one of these birthday's i'll wake up and know what the heck i'm supposed to be doing, in a house i own, but for right now, waking up to 26, all i know is i want to make myself a cake for breakfast, and refuse to wash the dishes, while i plan trips to get me out of this rut that has sucked me in over the past year.
year 26 is yes, starting out horrifically rocky.
but in the end, year 26 is going to be the best one yet.